Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Short Takes From Tasteless News Network (T.N.N.)

"I voted for it before I voted against it." Define the word "the"." My maternal uncle liberated Auschwitz even though he's American and even though I don't have a maternal uncle." Tasteless News Network, T.N.N. realises that there is more than one truth and more than one reality. T.N.N. creates its own reality and brings it to you. Here are today's T.N.N. news briefs.

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Scientists at South Houston Institute of Technology have discovered a medical treatment that has proven to be 100% effective in stopping recidivism among violent felons. The groundbreaking treatment, known as lead implantation therapy (L.I.T) has proven to be 100% effective in eliminating reincarceration of those who have committed capital offenses. The treatment, which involves multiple implants of lead in various parts of the body, does not even need to be performed by a medical doctor to be effective.
"Preliminary results in our pilot study are very encouraging." said Dr. Roland Stone at an interview at his South Houston office. "Instead of drive by shootings and pushing drugs, now they are pushing daisies. It's a beautiful thing.'

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Obama Supports Renaming U.S. Congress (A Press Release)

"Iceland is one of America's most solid allies. Everyone in that tiny country speaks a language other than English. Most Americans by contrast speak English only. Iceland has a population of little more than 300,000, which shows that population control can work. Their parliament, the Althing is the oldest representative assembly in the world. It has been meeting since the year 1000. I have always strived to be all things to all people. Accordingly, I have introduced a bill into the U.S. Senate that would change its name to the Althing, so it too can be all things to all people. After introducing that bill, I intend to vote against it."

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Dr. Jack Kevorkian, the famous advocate of suicide legalisation has offered to meet with the 84 year old Robert Mugabe in an attempt to resolve the political crisis that cripples that country.
"When I look at Zimbabwe, I see a country in which the body politic is ready to assume room temperature. My whole live has been spent in such sensitive situations. People much younger than Robert Mugabe have valued my professional assistance. I feel that a man of his age and experience would as well."
Dr. Kevorkian was detained briefly at Zimbabwe's national airport in Harare before being taken to police headquarters where President Mugabe had arranged for Kevorkian to meet with leaders of Zimbabwe's opposition parties.

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Millions of cans of baby formula are being recalled nationwide due to a misunderstanding that has left millions angry and disappointed. "I followed the instructions". fumed Ima Barr- Hopper, who filed a complaint with the Food and drug administration about the tainted formulas." The can said to add one can of water. That's what I did. I added one can of water. And I'm still not pregnant. What the hell do they call it baby formula for if you don't get a baby when you follow the directions? I'm calling my lawyer." Sphere: Related Content

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