Thursday, August 21, 2008

T.N.N.(Tasteless News Network) August 21st Dispatches

We don't make the news, We just make it up...


( London, U.K.) Ms. Flicka Byrd, founding director of the Feminist Revolutionary Union of Militant Politicos (F.R.U.M.P.) has appealed to genetic scientists to find a way to end the oppression of women. "Marriage is an institution of patriarchal oppression!" thundered Ms. Byrd. "It can not be reformed. Teaching the human species to reproduce by binary fission will eliminate male oppression in the human species. Amoebas and bacteria have been thriving this way since the dawn of time. The only threat to their peaceful existence is from humans who manufacture antibiotics to oppress them."
Ms. Byrd further defended her unusual her proposal at the F.R.U.M.P. convention by pointing out the revolutionary effect it would have on human society.
"Divorce has skyrocketed in society today." explained Ms. Byrd. With binary fission as the means of human perpetuation, divorce would be eliminated. Not only that, but breaking up would be a good thing, a milestone for every one to look forward to."

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The United States Department of Agriculture has come up with a new and nutritious breakfast cereal that is half the price of regular cereal. It will only be available, however to those who are paying with food stamps. The cereal will be known as "Welfare Chex".

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Dr. Morley Nutzenbaum , a psychiatrist has been arraigned on charges of insurance fraud. Dr. Nutzenbaum, who does his own book keeping triggered an insurance company investigation when he started giving "Freudian slips" instead of receipts to patients who paid in cash.

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P.ET.A. activists are in court today in San Francisco in a trademark dispute. A break off group with the same initials advocates eating only meat, because of their opposition to discrimination against life forms with roots. The break off group, known as "People Eating Tasty Animals" is opposed to what it calls "rootism" which it defines as the oppression of life forms with roots." Its founder, Patty Berger said in a statement to the court as follows. "Herbivores are complicit in the systematic oppression of life forms with roots. Just because they don't talk, doesn't mean they don't have feelings. When I eat a quarter pound hamburger, I am siding against the oppressor. I am defending the head of lettuce so cruelly shredded. I am defending carrots and cucumbers that are being skinned alive and potatoes that are being thrown alive into boiling water!!!" At this point, the judge called a brief recess as Ms. Berger started to weep uncontrollably. Judge Hayman Sinsemilla denied a motion for a mistrial, after meeting with the jury and being assured by the foreman that they would not be prejudiced by the outburst.

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In a related story, over 2100 registered Democratic voters in Chicago have had their registrations invalidated when a check of their addresses revealed that they were living in pet shelters and kennels across the city. The absence of last names caused the computers to reject single names such as "Bowser", "Spot" and "Tiger". A team of attorneys on retainer from P.E.T.A . and the Obama campaign is working pro bono to resubmit the rejected voter registrations. It was explained to the puzzled would be voters that "pro bono" means "for free" and not "for a bone". Sphere: Related Content

1 comment:

Findalis said...

LOL Thanks now how many of these are the true stories and how many did you make up.