Saturday, November 8, 2008

Nigerian Internet Scam Letters: I Write Back

I regularly get letters from internet scammers. Usually they claim to be the widow of some prime minister in a poor country who was murdered in a coup. In the story, he usually leaves behind about ten million dollars that they want to split with me. The only problem is that the want me to front some money. I've read about people who fall for these scams. The people who perpetrate them disgust and enrage me. So today I wrote one such person back. I wonder if I will hear from them.

First, here is the letter I got. After the letter, I will print my reply.

Good day !!!
How are you and your family?
Please accept my sincere and affectionate greetings.I maAwa Dominic by name and I am planning to move into your country to do some investments in your country.

However,i will be happy if you can be my contact person in your country and i hope to have a sincere and trustworthy fellow who can direct me well.

I will give you the full details of my self and the full reasons why i want to relocate into your conutry when i hear from you.

Thanks and God Bless,
Awa D******** ( I have deleted the last name)

Now, my reply is as follows.

Dear Awa

I am presently an inmate in a federal corrections facility serving sixteen life sentences without parole. I earn fifteen cents an hour making license plates. I also do a nice barter in wine that I make from apple juice squeezed from apples in the prison kitchen and sugar. I brew it in the tank of the toilet in my cell. I get in return cigarettes and cheerios. Some of the guys going only five years say I have a really good product. I want to market it as a low end budget wine. I'm going to call it Maine Squeeze Apple wine. It's going to have a picture of me strolling down Broadway with a really hot babe. Our slogan will be "I never leave home without my Maine Squeeze." I think the catchy slogan will attract a lot of initial business.

I need someone I can trust who will represent me on the outside. I will need you to deposit $10,000 dollars in an account that I control. Please confirm that you have received this e-mail and that you are in agreement with my terms. If this succeeds, I am planning in investing in a line of baked goods with the slogan "Check out my great buns." I think it will really take off.

If you are not interested in my business proposal, perhaps you would be willing to contribute to my defense fund. I was wrongly convicted and imprisoned on fourteen of the sixteen life sentences that I am currently serving. There are interesting technicalities on the other charges.I also need money for toiletries and stationery. I am writing a novel about my life. Much of it is written on Cheerio boxes that I fish out of the trash. I'd like some notebooks and a word processor

In addition, I am being persecuted for my religion, although I am not sure for which one. You see, my father is Jewish, but my mother is Muslim. Her parents disowned her and my father left her. I was left on the doorstep of a Catholic orphanage, so I went to Catholic school. They had a contest for the most original sin. I won first prize, but they kicked me out of school. With my education finished, I hit the street. The reason I did was that I jumped out of the window at the orphanage in the first of many escape attempts.

Life is rough for me in prison. I don't fit in with any of the gangs because of my mixed ancestry. I joined a gang called Druze for Jesus. I have to attend their services. They're four hours long every Friday. I don't understand what they are saying, but they have great food afterward. I am also filing a legal suit so they can use my wine at services.

I hope I can trust you. I hope you will keep our business correspondence in the strictest.confidence. Please send a handwriting sample and your picture. One of the nuns used to be a gypsy fortune teller before she joined the convent. The taught me how to read a person and tell their future. The only way I can do this is if they give me money. You see the money has vibrations and an aura. It you were to send me say five hundred dollars, I could change your aura and bring you incredible wealth. Think about it. I could really help you. I have the gift of prophecy. That is why I am being persecuted. Even the prison psychologist hates me. It's tough being the redeemer of all mankind.

I hope you will write me back with your answer to my proposal. It cost 42 cents to send this letter. For me that is almost three hours of work. I hope you won't let me down. I'm counting on you.


Muhammad Ali Katz

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PAPundits said...

Ha Haa Haaa!
You are hilarious!

I love it.

I'd like to post this to our site withproper attribution.

Thanks for the humorous uplifting post.

PS Can I invest in your apple wine?

Magdeburger Joe said...

No problem with reprinting, as long as you provide a link back. I visited your site. It's a good place. Keep up the good work

Anonymous said...

Dear Muhammed Ali Katz,

You could be famous and not know it, ..even though you have the gift of prophecy.

Recently a thought came to mind that form comments could be used repeatedly to avoid debating the inane. In other words; if a topic was contrived or nauseatingly redundant, if the sphere was targetted by spam commentors, then post one of a series of pre-fab form comments. The logic being that sincere people would eventually be queued to subterfuge or subversion.

Your reply letter, to foreign ripoffs, could be used by millions of people faced with the same spam. You already wrote it, so no one else needs to do that, they can copy your's, with your broad permission of course.

You could be famous for at least this one thing!