Sunday, January 4, 2009

New Hope For Losers.... Join the Taliban

Are you a loser, a strike out artist? Did a girl ever look you like a contagious disease when she was on a date with you? In the old days, you got one of those mail order books like "How to Pick Up Girls." Maybe you hung out with some hipster and hoped his luck and good advice rubs off on you.

Wake up dude!!! There's a homeland for you. It's called Losestan. (pronounced Loozastan) You don't need to clean your fingernails. Regular showering is optional. And you definitely don't need to shave. Just join the Taliban. The only wardrobe change is to a dishdashah and a pair of sandals. You know, that baggy long shirt and pants that goes really good with a turban and a diagonal strip of AK 47 shells across your torso. No one is going to diss you now. And it gets better. All that music that you looked so dorky dancing to is banned! If you catch some guy who looks like a hipster, you can search his house, take all his rap, rock or country CD's and trash them. If you're real nice, you can take a bribe instead of flogging him. Isn't that a good payback for all those years of getting dissed?

But wait!! The best is yet to come! You never have to worry about getting shot down. (at least not by girls) The taliban has a no strikeout guarantee that is better than the ad for "How to Pick Up Girls." Don't take my word for it. Dhimmi Watch andTimes of India explain it all to you as follows.
On the heels of their crusade against girls going to schools, the Taliban have now issued new dictum in the areas under their sway
asking parents of the grown up daughters to marry them to militants or "face dire consequences".

This new force-marriage campaign is being run in most of the areas in the Pakistan's troubled NWFP through regular announcements made in mosques to congregations.

Such instances have come to light recently through some of the affected women daring to go to authorities for justice rather than meekly surrender to the militants’ dictates.

Salma, who teaches in a primary school in Peshawar, told the Dawn newspaper that Taliban have told families to declare in mosques if they have unmarried girls so that their hand could be given in marriage, most probably to militants.

If they did not do so, the girls would be forcibly married off, the newspaper quoted the 30-year-old widow as saying.

She also said the Taliban in the Swat valley of NWFP have threatened women with dire punishment, if they are found outside their homes without identity cards and a male relative accompanying them.


Couples should also carry 'Nikah Nama' or marriage certificates with them when they venture out of home or they will be in trouble, she said.

So if you are staying home on a Saturday night with a DVD of Rocky VI and a calypso pack skin mags, your lonely days are over. Anyone who disses you is an infidel. Not only that, you can have a temporary marriage for as little as an hour. (but for you only ten minutes) My friend Lari explains the whole thing. He's really slick. Even your momma would probably go for that one.

There are some down sides to it. If you're one of those geeks who likes to warm up with intellectual conversation, you might have to teach her to read first. Because the Taliban have banned education of females. Even seven year old girls are taught early that their place is behind closed doors in the home. The Times of India continues as follows. (Thank you Dhimmi Watch)

"I have heard that Taliban have announced that if a girl above the age of seven is found outside her house, she would be slaughtered," Salma said.
Once an avid listener of Pakistani Taliban commander Maulana Fazlullah's FM radio station, Salma doesn't tune in to the channel any more.
"Usually there is only dreadful news on the radio, so I stopped listening to it," said Salma, who has three sons.
Fazlullah, also known as Mullah Radio for the fiery sermons he broadcasts on his illegal FM station, leads a campaign by Taliban militants to enforce Sharia or Islamic law in Swat.
Fazlullah's followers have blown up or torched over 100 girls' schools in Swat and barred women from going to markets.
The Taliban's recent decision to completely ban girls' education from January 15 has upset Salma and her colleagues because most of them are the sole bread-winners of their families.
"My colleagues were crying when they heard this bad news. Some have aged and handicapped parents while others have lost their male members in the ongoing conflict," she said.
The Taliban did of course allow women to work at home. "Getting married" a few times each day was a regular cottage industry. And the Taliban conducted regular "inspections" to make sure it was all halal. Hey, it's a man's world right?

But there are a few rules of conduct you will have to learn if you want to make it in "Looozastan." School teachers who teach girls and social workers are bad, very very bad. Dhimmi Watch tells you just how bad they are.

"Women who go out for work, especially social work, are tagged as immoral and eliminated by militants controlling the area, he said. Bakht Zeba, a 45-year-old woman councillor who was a staunch supporter of girls' education, was murdered on November 25. She was first threatened by Taliban to stop her activities or face dire consequences. When she did not pay heed to the warnings, the Taliban shot her dead in her house."

It may sound a little extreme, but look at the bright side. You won't have to worry about those awkward blind dates where the girl earns twice as much as you do. Remember when you called a taxi and that yuppie attorney waved it off? "Oh don't bother. I'll just call my driver." And you were all prepared to give a flashy tip to the taxi driver. No more uppity women like that... What a relief!

If you go for cheap dates in Loozastan, there are a few very important rules. You better not forget them. Dr. Keith Roderick reports as follows in The American Thinker.

A recent article in the UK Telegraph offered insights into the many ways that Islamists in Baghdad are making life, by increments, miserable for citizens of the city. Ice producers, crucial in helping people survive in Iraq's 115 degree summer heat, have recently suffered several murders from their ranks. The reason: Their product was not available during the time of Mohammed.

Street vendors who sell the popular Middle Eastern food falafel have also lost two of their own in the past few weeks, with other vendors now closing their stalls. The same reason is offered by the Islamists, namely, that falafels did not exist at the beginning of Islam. Those who laughed off the warnings are now lying in Baghdad cemeteries.

Islamists have also warned Baghdad residents who wear goatees to shave or else. That prohibition, subject to a visit from a vigilante death squad, is due to the fact that goatees originate from a 'Jewish facial hairstyle.' The article states that barbers have been busier than usual, after a 17 year old was murdered the other month for ignoring the no—goatee warning.

Mayonnaise is also in the sights of the self—appointed morality police. Like goatees, mayonnaise has a Jewish connection. Mayonnaise is made in Israel. Therefore, it, too, joins the long list of things haraam, forbidden to Muslims, according to the Islamists' playbook. Needless to say, most restaurants are holding the mayonnaise, with or without the customer's request.

The bit about ice is a real knee slapper. If you can't use ice because it wasn't around in the time of Mohammed, how the hell are you going to permit an AK 47? What about tanks and aircraft? They didn't exist in the time of Mohammed either. If you truly believe, then you have to wage war with camels and sharp swords. It's not too good to ask those questions in Loozastan though, it might get you in trouble.

If all this sounds a bit unromantic, you need look no further than Kandahar, a Taliban stronghold reputed to be so gay that the birds fly over it with one wing covering their backside. The downside of subservient women is of course that they become objects, a pair of eyes that even under a burqa remain averted. Maura Reynolds of the LA Times describes the situation in Afghanistan as follows.

In his 29 years, Mohammed Daud has seen the faces of perhaps 200 women. A few dozen were family members. The rest were glimpses stolen when he should not have been looking and the women were caught without their face-shrouding burkas.

"How can you fall in love with a girl if you can’t see her face?" he asks.

Daud is unmarried and has sex only with men and boys. But he does not consider himself homosexual, at least not in the Western sense. "I like boys, but I like girls better," he says. "It’s just that we can’t see the women to see if they are beautiful. But we can see the boys, and so we can tell which of them is beautiful."

Daud, a motorbike repairman who asked that only his two first names and not his family name be used, has a youthful face, a jaunty black mustache and a post-Taliban cleanshaven chin. As he talks, his knee bounces up and down, an involuntary sign of his embarrassment.

"These are hard questions you are asking," he says. "We don’t usually talk about such things."

Though rarely acknowledged, the prevalence of sex between Afghan men is an open secret, one most observant visitors quickly surmise. Ironically, it is especially true here in Kandahar, which was the heartland of the puritanical Taliban movement.

It might seem odd to a Westerner that such a sexually repressive society is marked by heightened homosexual activity. But Justin Richardson, a professor of psychiatry at Columbia University, says such thinking is backward—it is precisely the extreme restrictions on sexual relations with women that lead to greater prevalence of the behavior.

"In some Muslim societies where the prohibition against premarital heterosexual intercourse is extremely high—higher than that against sex between men—you will find men having sex with other males not because they find them most attractive of all but because they find them most attractive of the limited options available to them," Richardson says.

Hey dude, you seem to be losing your appetite. Don't you want to move to Loozastan any more? I guess that is the downside of life in a country where women are degraded. Eventually the men become twisted as well. So it looks like the art of conversation, cleaning your fingernails and taking regular showers don't look like such big sacrifices now do they?

So relax, you can cancel your plane ticket to Karachi. You didn't sublet your apartment yet. You can still have corned beef with mayo or falafel and coke with ice on your next date. No one is going to shoot you. There is no need for a veil on that next blind date. Just think of it as one long bad dream. No one is going to station you in Kandahar. You're safe in New York with its pigeons that fly with two wings and not one covering their back.

You did your research before you went out and did something stupid. You learned your lesson. Women are people too. If you demean them, you ultimately devalue yourself. They didn't emphasise that so much in "How to Pick Up Girls." So go out with your blind date to the museum. Take her out for schwarma. Just do a little checking. Make sure she doesn't have a chauffeur. Sphere: Related Content

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