Thursday, January 15, 2009

Quick Takes on the News (Both Serious and Otherwise)

According to Breitbart News, there is a monkey that has escaped from the zoo in Tampa Bay, Florida. This cuddly little creature throws its own feces at those who are unfortunate enough to cross its path when it is angry. Breitbart News reports as follows.

"CLEARWATER, Fla. (AP) - Wildlife officials said a rhesus monkey known to throw feces when mad is on the loose in Tampa Bay. Authorities have been trying to capture the primate since Tuesday afternoon, but it managed to evade a bucket truck and tranquilizer dart.

Such behavior is common among certain kinds of monkeys. Wouldn't it be good for serious megachuckles if a few of them were sentenced to house arrest in Bernard Madoff's apartment?"


What new scare are they going to cook up to replace "global warming" as our next great threat? I'll bet Al Gore's books on the environment are in the bargain bin at a 99 cent store near you.

According to The Sun,
there is evidence of microbes just beneath the soil of Mars that are producing the methane gas. On earth, this gas has been associated with flatulent cows. The Sun reports on the flatulent microbes as follows.

ALIEN microbes living just below the Martian soil are responsible for a haze of methane around the Red Planet, Nasa scientists believe. The gas, belched in vast quantities in our world by cows, was detected by orbiting spacecraft and from Earth using giant telescopes.

If this is true, it would be the first discovery of life anywhere outside of planet earth and its atmosphere. Can you imagine what it would be like to have the first flu ever from Mars? Some yuppies might consider that to be a status symbol.


That brings me to the subject of recession jokes. This one was from a recession back in the 1980's.

What is the difference between a yuppie and a pigeon?

A yuppie can't make a deposit on a BMW.


Israel should make suicide bombers get a suicide bomber licence. Anyone caught in any aspect of preparing a suicide bombing would be required to get a suicide bomber licence road test. They would be taken out into a barren stretch of the Negev desert and required to demonstrate proficiency in self detonation. This would show our respect for their right to self termination.


People used to complain about welfare queens in BMW's. Now with the corporate bailouts going on, we have lavish parties and bonuses being effectively paid by the taxpayer. The new welfare queens are the corporate executives flying into Washington to plead poverty. Why not make taking the money conditional upon honest mortgages with a flat low annual percentage that does not balloon into a usurious debt? Make this an across the board requirement for getting bailout money? For those people who didn't go into foreclosure, why make sure that their interest rates are adjusted even lower, as a reward for prudent fiscal management.


When people talk about the "right to die" movement, am I the only one to think that it is not motivated by compassion? Maybe some people just want to save money for the pleasures of the young. Maybe it's cold economic calculations. I think medical marijuana and good pain killers as well as treatment for depression might make a lot more sense. How we treat those who are economically not productive affects how we see ourselves.

On a related subject, I read an interesting tombstone inscription. It reads as follows.

"Where you stand,

I once was.

And where I lie.

You shall be"


If heaven for a suicide bomber is populated with 72 virgins, is it also heaven for them or are they being punished?


Around the world, different ethnic groups have different jokes. Hungarians diss Romanians Romanians insult Hungarians. Germans have East Friesian jokes. The list goes on and on. Wouldn't it be great if the United Nations had an International Ethnic Joke Week, where each representative of each country gives over a sample of his nation's ethnic humour. To spice things up even further, each country's name tag would be replaced with the derogatory nickname most commonly bestowed upon it by its neighbours.


If humanity is one big happy family, does that mean that the Dalai Lama is really related to Dolly Parton?


What did the black snake say to the white snake?

Don't call me boa.

If I were to sell condensed water with instructions to add one can of water to one can of condensed water, who can say that it is a scam ? You do get two cans of water don't you?

According to ABC News, Osama Bin Laden has released a tape which raises questions about his health. Indications such as shortness of breath and skin tone lead many to believe that he has serious health problems such as kidney failure.

I believe that America should showcase its compassion by sending him medical assistance. I believe that sending Dr. Jack Kevorkian to treat Bin Laden. His previous treatments of the terminally ill that landed him in jail might be quite appropriate for Bin Laden. Such noble humanitarian assistance is in my opinion what "compassionate conservatism" is all about. For a touch of cheer amid dreary weather and economic forecasts, I am signing off with the Osama video below.

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