Sunday, March 29, 2009

New York in the Year 2119

The following is the State of the City Address by His Royal Excellency Michael Bloomberg, King Michael IV to his subjects in the seven Boroughs of New York City.

Greetings to My Cabinet, to the Consultative Assembly, Borough Presidents of Brooklyn, Queens, Staten Island, Manhattan, the Bronx, Nassau and Westchester, to Duchess Caroline III, the Duchess of Suffolk and to my Loyal Subjects,

Today is the 100th anniversary of the establishment of the monarchy in the City State of New York. In the year 2019, my distinguished great grandfather Mike Bloomberg (after whom I am named) wisely replaced the extravagance of elections every four years with the far less raucous hereditary monarchy, of which I am the head. In my address to you, I will review the progress of our city state and my plans for its future.

There is much progress to report. The introduction of the Beijing Dollar (B$) has contained inflation considerably, making budget and pension management a far more viable proposition.
The campaign against tobacco, alcohol, transfats and other vices has improved the longevity of New Yorkers. Unfortunately, it has driven much of our night life end entertainment to Hoboken and to upstate Indian reservations. Despite the health improvements to New Yorkers resulting from the Bedtime Enforcement Act, there has been an accompanying flight of tax revenue to areas outside of our City- State. In accordance with my executive powers, I have instituted the following measures to improve our financial solvency and the quality of life in our City State.

1) There is a lot of pedestrian traffic and congestion in Manhattan. To lessen this, effective April 1, 2119, there will be one way streets only for pedestrian traffic from 14th St up to 96th St. The penalty for walking the wrong way on the street or failure to maintain correct speed will be double the jaywalking fine of B$ 150.00.
2) Non residents of Manhattan put a strain on its resources. Anyone who does not work or live in Manhattan must purchase and carry on their person a B$15.00 daily fun pass. Anyone found having fun without a fun pass will be fined B$ 100.00.
3) The wear and tear on city sidewalks is costing the city millions in sidewalk maintenance. Everyone over the age of 12 must wear a pedometer purchased from the city at a cost of B$ 50.00. Walking will remain the most economical alternative to travel by car. At a cost of B$ 0.30 per mile, it is a real bargain. This is half the per mile cost of riding a bicycle and one fifth the tax on odometer mileage.
4) There are 33 million New Yorkers living the seven boroughs of our city.Water, gas and oil have long been subject to nominal taxes to encourage conservation. In addition to the caffeine tax, which serves as a friendly reminder not to over indulge in even mild stimulants we are looking at an Atmospheric Usage Tax. Millions of New Yorkers burden the atmosphere through regular usage, pumping into it dangerous bacteria as they do so. The Atmospheric Usage Tax will be based on estimated lung capacity and atmospheric usage. A fee will be assessed after a medical examination. The annual examination will cost B$ 50.00. Annual fees will range from B$ 10.00 to B$ 60.00. Discounts to the needy will be available, but only in selected neighbourhoods.
5) When you pay taxes, you are really paying for services rendered. For this reason we are now going to extend the 17.65% City State sales tax to income taxes as well. Anyone paying City State Income tax will have to pay sales tax on it. This reasonable measure is long overdue.
6) King Michael IV gives complete freedom of speech during meetings of the Consultative Assembly. A transcript of of meetings is all anyone needs to be well informed. The City State sales tax will therefore be extended to newspapers. The proceeds will go towards paying for printing the Consultative assembly minutes and maintaining the Royal helicopter and limousine. This will enable the King to get out and mingle with the people so they will know what he thinks.

Because we have saved so much money on elections we now have more money to spend on Expo 19, the king's personal tribute to his great grandfather, Mike Bloomberg who laid the cornerstone for the monarchy by abolishing term limits. The rebuilt amusement park on Coney Island will be a royal gift to the people of New York. Our slogan will be "Let Mike take you for a ride !"

Since the resettlement outside the City State of everyone earning less than B$ 250,000.00 a year, life has improved greatly. The Screening Commission has created a consensus among the populace that makes everything run so much more smoothly. In conjunction with the Board of Reeducation, there has been a level of cooperation and good will that would have been unthinkable when my great grandfather founded the monarchy. If we are not like one big family, the New York City State has become like one giant friendly condo, which gets to choose its membership.

My great grandfather Mike faced tough challenges with a multiparty system and illegal immigrants. Today, there is no question of citizenship or party registration to divide us. All who are loyal to the Bloomberg Dynasty are welcome here. All have a place at the royal table.
The subjects who have given so much to the Bloomberg monarch deserve a token of appreciation. The hearty cheering deserves a gesture of royal gratitude. Accordingly, I will be suspending the Atmospheric Usage Tax. It remain suspended for the six month duration of Expo '19. You may now take a deep breath in our smokeless city. After all, its free. Sphere: Related Content

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